Controversy at the River

So I just got back from securing the military bridge at the Tigris River. I got into a heated debate with my platoon. For some reason, there was a case of 1 quart bottles of corn syrup that Support Platoon brought with the chow. My platoon was convinced that I couldnt drink it in 3 minutes or less. I felt that with my fraternity experience as a pledge freshman year, and all of the kegstands, beerbongs, and shotgunning of beercans, I was more than qualified. Well I couldn't even get one swallow down without gagging. I kept throwing it up. We decided it was impossible.

Then we decided that SPC Roby could do it. This kid was the Platoon Daddy's loader. He is from Guam and he eats all the time. He's short but he's jacked and is always chewing on something. Well he took the challenge. He whipped out his proverbial pimp-hand and bitch slapped me down by guzzling his quart of corn syrup in about 30 seconds. And when he was finished, he ate a few muffins and a couple of juice boxes for good measure.

At this point, I retired to my corner of the riverbank. I realized I had lost any credibility with my men. It was over. Until someone challenged me to chug a quart of Tobasco Sauce in less than a minute. I knew my reputation depended on it. I grabbed the bottle, ripped off the squirt cap with my knife and drank. It went down no problem. Then after about a minute, it felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach with a knife. I doubled over and couldnt stand up. My throat wouldnt stop burning. Suddenly, I puked up the whole quart and most of it went out my nose. That burned pretty bad. Every time I wretched, globs of Tobasco whipped back in long strings right into my eye. It was horrible. That burned even worse. It's 6 hours later and I'm back at Fob Scunion. I am still burping up Tobasco and it makes me quiver. Just writing this blog has made me gag twice in memory.

I won the hearts of my men back and I'll be posting a picture of Roby chugging that syrup. I swear he actually enjoyed it.